Red Sky At Morning

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Harbor Category 8 Threatens Low Lying Areas

Often tropical and always topical, The Harbour Entrepreneur Centre’s Emergency Shelter and Business Accelerator program has unleashed a Category 8 cohort expected to impact low lying areas of Charleston, Beaufort, and Colleton Counties.  The Shrimp and Bits Meteornotsological Institute has developed an experimental localized model (visualized above) predicting widespread impact to the Silicon Harbor with a possible garlicky aftertaste.  The Governor has declared a state of emergency, but has or has not issued an evacuation warning yet, depending on whether one listened to the news conference or watched the sign-language interpreter.

Envies

Who hasn’t lost their passion for Hurricane Cocktails by now?  The old standards are stale and the available alternatives are meek.  Cohort company Envies is picking up the slack by putting a storm in a can. Their new line of high-octane libations is a steering current in these atmospherically volatile times.  Prawn is a particular fan of the Cyclonic Tonic – a drink that leaves your head spinning more than enough to lead to any number of unnatural disasters.  The Captain favors The Adjuster – a tipple that’s meant to ease the morning after, but somehow creates headaches of its own.

Indexic AWaiver

A spring tide washing away the frustrations of paper waivers, Indexic’s AWaiver is a platform for signing your life away before doing dangerous things like opting to go without flood insurance or evacuating to North Charleston. Originally intended to protect the City of Folly Beach from injuries sustained by over-enthusiastic kite-surfers crashing into the fishing pier, this product has evolved into THE one-click litigation-avoidance option in the southeast.

Interloop

Interloop’s patent-pending technology uses heavy-lifter drones to keep individuals and their properties positioned exactly within the eye of the storm so as to avoid any unsightly wind or rain. The charming machines are shaped like umbrellas creating a sort of Mary Poppins meets The Wizard of Oz experience. Early prototypes Cassini’d into the eyewall of Irma, but that has not stopped a flood of pre-orders from those that just have to be at the center of it all.

Case Status

Finally your insurance company can communicate their extortionately high hurricane deductibles and refuse your claim via phone, email, fax, text message, AND certified letter!  Then at the tap of a capacitive touch-screen you can pass on your dissatisfaction to your no-win/no-fee lawyer of choice and fujiwhara late into the night.

Green Blox

Not to be confused with that terrible Lohan-emulating film Mean Blokes or MUSC’s Green Bollocks catheter center, Green Blox makes a new low-cost material for patching up the old farmhouse after a good blowout.  The blox are made from a combination of upcycled Heineken bottles, seaweed, and the petty jealousies of Sullivan’s Island’s upper middle class.  They are naturally insulating, surprisingly adhesive, and late again gettin’ Tucker to toddler yoga.

BRASS

These alchemists are alloying our frustrations selecting business software by melting bits and pieces of different platforms together and molding them into a whole new cast of characters.  For example, by carefully smelting popular CRMs with super-heated ERPs, they have managed to generate a side-scroller with an interface identical to the original Donkey Kong. Crawley-inspired development techniques carried out during the eclipse on an old Ninja Gaiden unit yielded StormEyes – software that makes up for it’s lack of audio with a surfeit of spin locks.

Taste

Taste’s motto is that everybody deserves a delectable meal no matter their situation.  This recommendation site helps you guide hurricane evacuees to the perfect bowl of pho so that they can merge back into stalled I-95 traffic with a belly full full-bodied beef broth – a true local hero. What embodies the spirit of the Holy City more than putting epicureanism above preservation?

Collective Farce

This re-branding of the The Low Country Hurricane Evacuation Plan brings new depth to the process of flight through gamification, social networking, and fear of imminent death. Participating consumers are paired with area businesses along user-driven escape routes to promote high-quality comprehensive looting. Businesses that escape the window smashing and jerky hoarding are provided with a sweet suite of gouging optimization tools. Their extended forecast goes  beyond hurricanes into other similar markets like zombie virus outbreaks, politically-motivated civil unrest, and Clemson victories.

Given human propensity for propulsion by means of breaking organic compounds into constituents, and the prevailing disdain for Parisian agreements among the ruling cadre, we’re predicting a surge in the market’s high-water mark for some time to come.  After you’ve run out of Costco of batteries, store-brand whisky, and bottled water, you might consider buying a few shares of these up-and-comers.

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